seppuku

n.
Ritual suicide by disembowelment formerly practiced by Japanese samurai. Also called hara-kiri.

Source: thefreedictionary.com

“Are you sure you want to take physics with calculus even though it’s been so long since you took calculus?” she asked. I remember feeling a just a tinge of worry when the general adviser at PSU posed this question back on orientation day.

“Yeah, I think I’ll be fine.” I replied, though I was less sure than my tone implied. I’m much, much, much less sure now. As I learn physics I’m forced to scramble to learn calculus. I think if I merely had to catch up on calculus I’d be OK. But my algebra isn’t simply a bit rusty. It’s not even rusted in place. My algebra has rusted away and there are just some rusty, jagged edges in my brain where math once sat.

I’ve spent over an hour trying to remember how to simplify fractions. Worse yet, I’m not even sure I should be trying to simplify a fraction.

I purchased, and have been reading a “crash course” in calculus. Some of it yields “oh yeah!” moments, and sometimes I actually get the sample problems correct. These are moments of hope. Then I get a question like this:

Differentiate:

So I start working my way through the proof. Only I really don’t get very far. In fact, I really only get to the first step which is simply writing the basic formula for :

Now so far I have done absolutely nothing. No math has yet been done. So I stare at this. I tell myself that I should be taking things out of denominators. Not because I know this to be the right thing to do, but because I have no clue what else to do. I know what my final answer is supposed to be (the book gives it to me) so I start moving forward in any direction I can.

Only I don’t move forward. I simply don’t remember this stuff. I can still execute Sub-Zero’s fatality, I remember that Liono’s weird pet-thing was named Snarf, and I can sing an all-too-large portion of the intro theme to Disney’s Gummi Bears, all of those things are maintained in the archives. But wasteful stuff like algebra, trigonometry, and calculus? Ha! We jettisoned that nonsense as soon as we could.

So after staring blankly and doing some simulated problems with using only numbers (and no variables) I realized that I wasn’t going to get there on my own. So I hit up the internet. I read probably half a dozen websites and a couple of .PDF files. Eventually I learn of the “quotient rule” as something I may be interested in right now. I found an example of it hosted on, where-else, Wikipedia.

I’m just now learning how to use the LaTeX math functions. Imagine how happy I was writing this post when I found out there’s a WordPress plugin that allows me to use these new skills to display fancy formulas.

I don’t know the exact amount of time I’ve spent on this one problem, but I think it was about 1 1/2 hours. At 11:30 pm I found the info on Wikipedia. It’s now past midnight as I share this story with you.

These past 3 days have been pretty frustrating. I’m finding however, that my frustration comes in two flavors. One flavor is actually an empowering sort of frustration. I hear the little numbers laugh at me, sometimes they even try to spit on me. But I remind myself that so far there has been nothing put before me that I haven’t known at some point in the past. I convince myself that I can and will relearn that which I have forgotten. I tell myself that I will crush those cocky little numbers and teach them the humility they so deserve. This is a frustration that brings out the “fight” side of my fight-or-flight mode. I like it. I love it. You can’t break me numbers!

Then there’s the other flavor.

The other flavor of frustration comes as a tension in my neck. It tires me and makes me want to drop physics tomorrow. It is the devil on my shoulders reminding me that if I drop physics I’ll have months of time to catch up on my math.

Luckily the former frustration has been prevalent much more often than the latter. Though it has only been one week.

Well… no one said this would be easy. If I wanted easy I’d be in Texas right now with my biggest concern being whether or not my timesheet was up to date.

The fight continues…

2009-10-04 @ 9:30 AM – Update: The quotient rule was indeed what I was looking for. How I forgot is beyond me.

“Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!”

George Carlin

Yesterday I got both my textbooks in the mail. Just in time.

Just moments ago I opened up the packages to examine what I’ve purchased. I quickly flipped through the Digital Design book. Not bad, it’ll be interesting. Then I opened up the Fundamentals of Physics book.

I didn’t get far. The inside cover to be exact. As a helpful reminder tool some basic math formulas are listed there. You know, the binomial theorem, some trigonometric identities, products of vectors, and of course Cramer’s Rule.

Wow, I’m super fucked. Part of me says I should drop the course and really get serious about catching up on all that old math that I’ve forgotten. Trigonometric identities? If memory serves me correctly, I took trigonometry in my freshman year of high school. That would be 18 years ago!!

You know that regret I knew would be coming? Well here it is.

Oh, and would you look at that. At the bottom here it mentions that I can visit Appendix E for a “more complete list” of helpful formulas. Yay!